


And This Is Why I Do It

by Iamthewalrus



Category: Cobra Starship, JJAMZ, PHASES (Band), Panic! at the Disco, Ryden - Fandom, The Academy Is..., The Like (Band), ryan ross/brendon urie - Fandom, z berg - Fandom
Genre: F/M, M/M, Post split, pre split
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-14
Packaged: 2018-07-24 00:08:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7485633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamthewalrus/pseuds/Iamthewalrus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's for lovers (orjustfriends).<br/>And this is why I do it."</p><p>Ryan reflects on his time in Panic! and with his first love, Brendon. </p><p>(I'm super bad at descriptions, but it's good I promise. This is the full version of the fanfiction I've been posting on Instagram. @thrydentruth)</p>
            </blockquote>





	And This Is Why I Do It

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm just putting it out there, there is a pretty anti Zross paragraph towards the end. Just read closely, it's not quite what it seems. This is my first fic, and I hope you all like it! Thank you again for checking it out!  
> Follow @therydentruth_ on Instagram for updates and random oneshots.  
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own panic! this is simply fiction.

The moon bred new Atlantic life tonight. The salt burned you right out of my eyes, and secrets we're not proud of were taken by the tide. We are all newborns with blurred vision and no sense of direction. This is why i walk to the ocean to swim with the sharks and jellyfish. I may never get this chance again. This is why i think if you want to kiss you should kiss, and if you want to cry you should cry. And if you want to live, you should live. And you don't have to love me, you already did. At least enough to keep me smiling from South Carolina to Virginia. It's for lovers (orjustfriends)   
And this is why I do it.  
Ryan's old house in Vegas smells like beer. It was his dad's old house after all. He hadn't seen it since, since… no don't think about Him. He was never going to see this place. No He could never be cursed with seeing this house. William should be here soon. He said he would bring Gabe and they would clean the place up. Make it feel like a home again. Ryan braced himself for being graced with the presence of none other than Gabe Saporta, he shuddered, looking through the cupboards in search of any stray alcohol left over from his father's “habit”   
\--------  
They were clearing up Spencer's garage. Or more accurately Brendon was trying to get in their good books by cleaning everything up for them. Ryan doesn’t really remember what record Brent put on, but he remember hearing Brendon sing for the first time. His voice, God it was amazing, strong and bold. The words fell from his mouth, slightly flamboyant and just all around beautiful. He noticed me staring and blushes, "I'm sorry, I know I suck" he's stuttering, but Ryan doesn’t hear the rest of his rambling. "You. You sing, always." He's blushing like crazy now, has the kid broken a blood vessel or something? What is with his face, it's like disturbingly red. "Are you sure Ryan? It's your band, I don't want to like ta-" "Shut up, you sing." he cuts him off.   
He is kind of cute when he blushes.  
\---------------  
There's a note taped to the wall. William left it there the last time he came to check on Him. He doesn't bother to read it before he snatches it down and crumples the small piece if paper. He takes a swig out of his whiskey. Ryan still remembers His voice saying "You're going to be just like your father one day." His eyes full of poison and rage. "You're going to be just like your father" just like him. He puts his face in his hands, muttering "no, no, no." Yet he still hears Him "just like your father"   
You're going to be just like him, wasting away all alone. Everyone you know and love abandoned you to save themselves.  
"No I won't!" he whispers, tears running down his cheeks. "I'll never be like him" Ryan can't stop thinking about Him and his words, "just like your father" he stands up, throwing his bottle in the process, "Enough!" he cries.   
Now go clean that up, layabout. Be useful if you can.   
\----  
Ryan sets rules and schedules for himself, William said it helped him, but to no avail. Mostly he drank, lays around doing nothing, or took something until five minutes before Jon would get there, and then he'd shove the bottles into the recycling and hide the pill containers. That was until Jon, or William maybe even Gabe (if he was particularly unlucky and Bill was checking on him before they went out). He spots his phone on the side table, silent of course. It was probably dead after Ryan had listened to His voice mails until he fell asleep. Dreaming about Him, crying and begging for forgiveness, for anything. He did feel guilty, thinking about Him in such a way. No, not guilty, disgusted. The messages had stopped a few days ago. The last one not much of begging for him to come back (that was number seven, July seventh at 1:13 am) but a last hope that maybe, just maybe Ryan might pick up. He was hurt, Ryan could tell. He knew that it was mostly his fault and that he could have sent measly text or email. But that couldn't say everything he needed. Nothing could say that. Not words, not the songs him and Jon are writing, not even seeing him again. There is no possibility of that of course, since Ryan is unable of replying to a text, let alone writing some drawn out letter explaining how life on the road is too much. That it isn't Him, it's Ryan. No, all he can do is drink his life away and mope around, until Bill comes back, or Jon needs him for something. It's a boring, endless rutine. His lifestyle can call for it though. His house is empty, as is his kitchen. William and Gabe will bring something over the next time they were out. Will would be damned to let him starve. Ryan would be graced with the presence of Gabe Saporta, not something particularly appealing, yet unavoidable.  
\---------  
Pete Wentz signed them. He was a bit cautious around Ryan, as if he expected him to write some incredibly great thing that would make Fall Out Boy virtually useless. Ryan didn't really care for the guy, but sucked up to the paranoid sonofa- "Hey how's it going guys?" Pete asks eagerly as he strolls into the studio. Like he owns the place, which he did, but Ryan didn't want to think about that. "It's going great, man!" Brendon is excited, Ryan can't tell if this newfound confidence he has is better than the blushing, stuttering boy he had been a few months ago. Brendon was still blushy and shy around him, especially when Ryan put his arm around him, or called him "B" or "Bren". Sometimes Ryan would even call him "Brenny" and watch his face turn an alarming shade of red. This was all fun and games until Brendon called him some pet name or leaned against his shoulder. Then he would feel his face get hot, and words would escape him. Brendon is playing the newest demo for Pete. "We're still so young, and desperate for attention" Brendon's voice flows from the speakers. "We're almost done with this song!" Brent chimes in "yeah Ryan and Brendon were thinking about some keyboard stuff in the bridge" Spencer finishes. They continue their conversation about the demos. Pete leaves, looking pleased at their work. Brent and Spencer decide to take a break, maybe get some food. "So, uh do you wanna work on the bridge?" Ryan asks Brendon, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. "Yeah I'd love to!" Brendon sits right next to him behind the keyboards.   
After what seems like hours they finish the bridge and put it in the song. "That sounds...really....that sounds amazing!" Brendon exclaims, pulling Ryan in for a tight hug. He's a little shocked, not being one for physical contact. But he hugs him back. Brendon's warm, and while he is rather feminine, his frame is not as skinny as Ryan’s, he's still a great hugger. Brendon has one hand on the back of Ryan's neck when Spencer and Brent return. Had he been, God forbid, leaning in a little? Ryan suddenly found the keys before him incredibly interesting. Oh and would you look at that it's a b flat wow. "Hey hope we aren't interrupting anything" Spencer calls out, gaze burning into Ryan. He was going to KILL Spencer Smith. "Yeah uh no um nothing at all, uh we just finished the bridge and uh stuff" Ryan mumbles, staring directly at B flat. "Oh I'm sure you did" Spencer says casually placing a grocery bag on the couch behind them. "I got snacks and movies, you know what that means!" he says, wiggling his eyebrows. "What's with the eyebrows Spence? We all know about 'Spencer's famous movie nights" Ryan wants to strangle every one in the room, except maybe Brendon. He was cute.   
Later that night they are all at the apartment they rent together. Brendon's head is on Ryan's shoulder and their fingers are intertwined under the blanket they share. This is supposed to be an infamous movie night, Spencer ALWAYS hosted weekly movie nights, ever since they were kids. But the only people paying attention to the movie (something fast with cars, and scantily dressed girls. Not Ryan's type of movie at all) were Brent and Spencer. Brendon was almost asleep, no he was asleep. And knowing that he wouldn't remember it in the morning, Ryan gently placed a kiss on his forehead. He then shuffled closer to him, and lay his head down, his cheek resting on Brendon's hair. He fell asleep soon after, and didn't hear Brendon say "I felt that, you know?"  
That had been a good night. Ryan remembered the way his hand felt in his. He remembered the way those chocolate eyes of his lit up when he was excited. He remembered feeling the boy's heartbeat while he slept. Ryan remembered. Yet he couldn't think his name. Not yet, not when the local radio station simply loves to play their songs constantly. Not when Gabe still tries to talk about Bre- no, he has to stop.  
"Brendon" he whispers, lost in the memories. "I miss you"  
“Nothing Rhymes With Circus, Ry that’s genius!” Brendon exclaims, kissing Ryan straight on the mouth. Ryan blushes as Brendon practically squeals with excitement. Seriously squeals, how gay can this boy be? Brendon kisses him again, a bit more forcefully, “genius, baby, genius!” he whispers against Ryan’s lips. This time it’s Ryan who kisses him, pushing their mouths together gently. He tastes a bit like butter from the popcorn they've been eating. Brendon pulls him even closer, and they are lost in the moment. The kisses slowly fade to occasional, light pecks. Ryan hides his face in Brendon’s shoulder, almost ashamed of his large smile. They are lying on Ryan’s bed watching movies, as they have been all day. Throwing popcorn at each other and kissing until they’re breathless. Ryan’s dad hasn’t been home in a few days, and he’s only starting to get worried. He’ll disappear for weeks sometimes, and come home drunk like nothing has changed. “What are you thinking about, bright eyes?” Brendon asks. He calls Ryan “bright eyes” when he looks worried about something. “Nothing, Bren I’m just worried about my dad” he mumbles, a bit embarrassed. Brendon kisses him again, “don’t worry Ry he’ll be fine” Brendon reassures him. They kiss again until they are desperate for air. And fall asleep in each other’s arms soon after.   
The memory of Brendon sleeping burned in his mind. Ryan could still picture the way his mouth went a bit slack, and his eyes closed. The little breaths that would escape his still swollen lips. He was beautiful when he slept, Ryan knew this for he had seen it almost every night after he fell asleep. He dreamed of the pretty boy with the chocolate eyes, singing his songs, whispering words of love. It drove him mad.  
\-------  
It was all in the subtle ways Brendon gravitated towards Ryan. The way his hand would drag across his shoulder ever so slightly, to the little kisses that would grace his cheek. Nothing was really official, they lived outside of boundaries. They weren't friends per say, nor were they "boyfriends". Although that was arguable when you threw Spencer into the mix. "You two are totally dating. And if you're not then you need to. The endless sexual tension is getting too much to handle on a daily basis." Spencer declares, sitting Ryan down to "tell him how it is". "C'mon Spence it's fine. Brendon and I don't need any sort of childish term to describe us. We're not in high school anymore, I'm not going to go around bragging about my boyfriend." Ryan complains. "So you are dating I knew it!" he cries in delight. "I never said that!" says Ryan indignantly. "You didn't need to, I could just feel it!" he exclaims, knocking over the carefully balanced tuner on the table. "Spencer what the f- ugh, fine Brendon's my boyfriend. I'm as straight as a circle. Happy?"   
Ryan and Brendon are sharing a bunk again, this time it's Ryan's. Brendon is playing with Ryan's hair whilst he writes in his notebook. "I heard you and Spencer talking today." he states quietly. Ryan swallows, suddenly terrified. "Oh no," he thinks "he's mad, he doesn't want me anymore. I ruined everything again". "You, uh, you did?" Ryan asks, his voice suddenly a few pitches higher. He hears the blood rushing around his ears when he replies "Yeah I did. Ryan did you mean what you said? About us being, you know?" his voice is shaking, and Ryan realises that Brendon is just as nervous as he is. "I did yeah, you're not mad right? Cause we don't have to be if you don't want, you know I just thought..." Ryan rambles on, but Brendon cuts him off. "Shh Ryan, of course I want to." Ryan smiles bigger than he thought he ever could have, and kisses Brendon. They giggle as they each pull away. "You know I hate classifications-" Ryan starts, but Brendon finishes with "and you think everyone should just live in peace without unnecessary words and terms for things not everyone will understand".   
\------  
“Spencer and Brent kind of figured it out" says Brendon "some of the roadies" "All of the roadies" Ryan interjects. Brendon smiles at him and finishes "all of the roadies, and William knows and no one else right?" "yeah that should be it" Ryan replies deadpanned. Brendon kisses him, "lighten up, Ross. Don't be so sad." he kisses him again, holding onto the other's shirt collar. Spencer rushes in, "Have any of you seen Brent? No one can find him!" Spencer shouts. Ryan and Brendon let go of each other and back away and fast as they can. "Calm it, Spence we'll find the sonofagun and bring him to justice!" Brendon replies, hiding his nervousness behind enthusiasm. "Don't worry Spencer he'll show up before the show and we'll lecture him again later." Ryan adds, covering up his own anxieties at being almost caught in the act of kissing Brendon. Not that he didn't like kissing him, he did. He was a really good kisser. Brendon's lips were soft and he tasted kind of sweet, almost like caramel. It was all very girly, but he pulled it off somehow. Mostly by climbing on top of Ryan and making him question the actual existence of oxygen. "I've been thinking," Spencer continues, " maybe we should replace Brent, you know with that Jon guy." "replace Brent with the guitar tech? Can he even play bass?" Brendon asks. "Yeah he can, he's really good actually. And Brent can't be bothered to show up half of the time." Spencer adds in an annoyed tone. "I dunno seems like a good idea." Ryan mumbles. Brent wasn't his favourite guy in the world, and Jon was pretty cool, even with the flip flops obsession. "So it's settled then." says Spencer defiantly. "We tell Brent that since he can't bother to show up until the minute we go on, for almost the entire tour. He's out." "Seems a bit extreme Spence but sure"  
Later that night, after the show has been played, Brent is packing all of his belongings into his original duffel bag. He gives the tour bus one last glance, before he strolls right out the door. Ryan and Brendon do not notice, as they are currently in Ryan's bunk (again). Ryan is writing and Brendon is in need of attention. "Rybear look at me!" he whines. "Did you just call me "Rybear?" Ryan asks a little disgusted. "Yeah Rybear, my little Rybear, so cuddly and he won't pay attention to me." Brendon sighs dramatically "Maybe I'll just lie here forever, watching him write, waiting for him to notice me." he throws himself on top of Ryan, which is a feat in itself, since the bunks are so damn small. Brendon messes with his hair, kisses his neck, and pokes at his sides. Ryan ignores all of this. Knowing he needs to finish this last little bit. He scribbles the last lines onto the paper, and flips Brendon over, so that he is underneath. "Don't call me Rybear." he adds threateningly. "Or I'll have to...tickle you!" "No!" Brendon shrieks, jumping out of his reach, and onto the floor. "Oh my God, Bren are you okay?" Ryan asks, scrambling out of the bunk. "Yeah I'm fine, calm your balls Ryan." he says. "Well I'm not the one who jumped onto the floor because I was threatened with tickles." he replies deadpan. Brendon jumps onto him again, kissing him until neither are capable of breath. "I love you" Brendon whispers. Ryan freezes. He can't do this, not now. He can't say it, not yet. He can't breathe, he can't feel anything except for Brendon, who's face is falling. He thinks something that's not true. "Oh okay, I, uh, I get it" Brendon backs away slowly. "I'll just, um, I'll just go then." he mutters. "No, B wait!" he tries to stop him, but Brendon just walks over and slides into his bunk. He wouldn't understand. He wouldn't get why Ryan couldn't say it back. Not even Ryan understood why he was suddenly unable to get those three little words out. Since they were just that, words. It wasn't like Brendon had proposed or anything. Ryan just couldn't do it.  
\--------  
He still had the letter somewhere, Ryan knew he had the notebook hidden away in a shelf someplace. He searches for a while, and eventually gives up. It’s for the best anyway, he didn’t need those words now. He decides to check the mail, and is surprised to see a small package in the box. ”What the..?” he trails off. He recognizes the contents of the package. It’s his notebook.   
There’s a note attached. It flutters out between the pages it was held in when Ryan opens the book. It reads; “I read this when I needed you, Ry. I also used some of the words from this page, hope you don’t mind. Wolf intestines? That’s pretty gory, Ryan.  
Much love,  
Brendon”  
“Much love” he said, Much love! That has to count for something. Maybe it isn’t over yet! Brendon probably wasn’t even all that mad, he was going to go back! He finds the page with the letter he wrote Brendon all those years ago.   
“My dearest,” Ryan cringes.   
“I do, I love you too, with all of my heart. I just, I can't say it out loud. Not yet. That was the last thing i said to my mother the last time I saw her. It's really hard for me to say it. But I'm going to try Brendon, for you. Because you deserve a Hell of a lot more than i can give. I love you Brendon Urie, with everything I am.   
With every ounce of love in my body,  
Ryan.”   
He had given Brendon that letter, and he had cried reading it. He had pulled Ryan into his arms and kissed him like there was no tomorrow. He did that a lot. Brendon could make Ryan feel as if the whole world could be ending, but all that mattered was him.   
\-------  
No one should have to bury their father. Not when their nineteen, not when their forty. Ryan couldn't do it alone, so he brought Brendon. He crosses, his arms unable to handle the overwhelming pity. "I'm so sorry for your loss" everyone seems to say, they're all so sorry. Everyone is sorry and no one can take responsibility. It's not their place, no that is a throne dedicated to none other than his father. "It's not your fault" Brendon whispers next to him. Ryan ignores this, if he didn't he knew he'd cry, and he had to be strong here. No crying, his father wouldn't have wanted to see that. His father wouldn't have wanted a lot of things. He disapproved of the band, of Ryan's love of poetry and words. He would've wanted Ryan to be an engineer, "a real sensible job" he had declared. Ryan hasn't let his arms fall, keeping them tightly crossed. As to keep him safe and alone. Brendon moved closer, inviting the emotions Ryan never wanted to feel. "Bren I, I can't" he whispers, watching the casket being lowered. "Shh Ry it's okay. We're gonna be okay." He can't watch this. He can't let this happen. And finally Ryan's exterior breaks. Brendon's there, arms open and inviting. Ryan holds onto him like there is nothing else in the world. He whispers sweet nothings into the other's ear. Things along the lines of "it's okay, you'll be okay. Shh baby I'm here." and he can't watch, he can't be there with all these people surrounding him. "B can we, can we leave? Please?" he begs. "Yeah okay Ryan, come on. Come one you gotta walk. God, do you need help? I'm here." Ryan stumbles after him. Unfeeling and unafraid he prods along, tripping occasionally. He doesn't realise he's holding Brendon until they get to the car and must detach. Ryan dries his tears and Brendon looks on. "Oh come here" Brendon mumbles. He complies, holding Brendon from the other side if the car. He tilts Ryan's chin upwards, towards his own face "Hey, look at me" Ryan kisses him without a thought. Needing to know that something is real, that Brendon is real.  
\--------   
Ryan remembered that day, and night. That time had been different, he knew now that was when he really fell in love with Brendon. So deeply he never thought he could get out. He hates that word "love" love is for liars and fakes. "And fools" he mutters angrily. He doesn't want to think about the details. The sounds, or how it felt, or any of it. "Stop it!" he looks around and realises William is staring at him all wide eyed. As if he were crazy, he had just come in the front door. "Ry-ryan are you okay?" he asks tentatively, like Ryan would run out and attack him with wild eyes and a frothing mouth. "Yeah Bill don't worry I'm fine" he reassures. Ryan can't lose him now, William is his best friend. After Spencer abandoned him, and let's be real Jon Walker was a hell of a guy. But he wasn't Brendon, or Spencer. No William cannot fear him, not now. "Ryan have you been taking anything?" Bill asks, approaching slowly. "No, only what I'm prescribed" and it's true. Jon has been convincing him to clean up, he hasn't even been drinking much. "Well it's not like I see my best friend in the middle of a psychotic episode every day" he adds, a bit nervously. Ryan notices. "You're not scared of me right?" he whispers, terrified. "Oh hun, of course not" he states matter of factly. William hugs him tightly. Ryan can't really feel his arms, but he knows he's holding him too. "You are scaring me Ryan, but only because I'm worried" William whispers into his hair. "I'm sorry, I've been functioning, kind of. I play music with Jon. You know we're making an album right? I'm okay, Bilvy I really am" Ryan is rambling again, and he knows it. William looks him in the eyes and says, "that's bull, Ryan. You're not, and you need to stop lying to yourself. We're going grocery shopping. Gabe is in Europe so it's just us. And then we're getting ice cream, and you're coming back to my place Okay?" he's demanding, but Ryan knows it's for the best. "Okay" he whispers, holding Bill a little closer. "And you're getting another haircut" he says, with the smallest hints of a smile.  
\------  
Ryan is kissing Brendon desperately. They are on tour and someone (probably Greta) decided it would be a fantastic idea to go skinny dipping. The two boys were half submerged when they were interrupted by none other than a visibly drunk Jon Walker. “Ooh kissy kissy!” he laughs, finding the situation absolutely hilarious. Ryan gives him the finger and kisses Brendon again. Jon splashes away yelling “you two kids stay safe! Use protection!”. A very drunk Jon Walker is an entertainment source for another day, he decides. Meanwhile he is enjoying Brendon.   
Later on that night, after Brendon has fallen asleep, Ryan gathers some sheets around his waist and grabs his laptop. He quickly opens MySpace and types out the following words. “The moon bred new Atlantic life tonight. The salt burned you right out of my eyes, and secrets we're not proud of were taken by the tide. We are all newborns with blurred vision and no sense of direction. This is why i walk to the ocean to swim with the sharks and jellyfish. I may never get this chance again. This is why i think if you want to kiss you should kiss, and if you want to cry you should cry. And if you want to live, you should live. And you don't have to love me, you already did. At least enough to keep me smiling from South Carolina to Virginia. It's for lovers (orjustfriends).  
And this is why I do it.”  
\--------  
“Let’s go on vacation!” Brendon jumps onto him, crushing Ryan’s...thing in the process. “Oh, Bren, could you, uh move?” Ryan begs, his voice strained. Brendon wiggles around a bit, and that is a lot better. Ryan stifles what would have been an embarrassing moan. “Not now, hun”. Brendon pouts, but wraps his arms around Ryan’s shoulders. “And a vacation, what do you mean, babe?’ Ryan is a bit more comfortable now, as Brendon has shuffled over, and has only half of his body resting on Ryan. “You know the songs aren’t really working out, I say we take Jon and Spencer to a cabin in the middle of the mountains, and make them write all the songs in the world for us.”. Brendon’s spontaneous nature calls for statements such as these, He knows, but cannot help but to roll his eyes ever so slightly. “I like the cabin idea,” he replies, burying his face in Brendon’s shoulder. “But you know we’re going to have to write stuff too” “Yeah, I know Ry, but it’s fun to fantasize.” he says with some intense eyebrow movement. “You horny mess!” Ryan laughs, kissing Brendon’s cheek.   
\-------  
Ryan surprisingly has a really good time. William takes him out for ice cream, and later they go grocery shopping. Which isn’t as fun, but Bill makes it a little better. He essentially picks out everything for Ryan, often times vetoing what the person who would actually consume these goods would suggest. For example, He was perplexed as to why he needed eggs and milk, but not several extra large bags of sour patch kids. Ryan had forgotten his wallet at home, and when they paid all he had to do was give Bill his famous puppy eyes. And he begrudgingly pulled out his credit card. “I have a family to support, Ry!” he wails “you’re eating me out of house and home!” Ryan rolls his eyes, knowing William means no harm with his dramatics. “You have a boyfriend and insatiable weed hunger, not a family.” Ryan declares. William pouts and grabs onto him, arms laden with groceries. “If I ever have a kid I’m naming her Genevieve. Gabe will probably give her a spanish middle name, but I’m fine with that” he gazes out, fantasizing about his someday family with Gabe. Ryan finds the ground absolutely fascinating. He doesn’t want to interrupt Will, or get in the way. “Oh Ryan I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t be talking about Gabe so much.” he scrambles over his words, trying to get them out fast enough. “Stop it. You don’t have to apologize for talking about your boyfriend, soul mate or whatever.” Ryan is sick of William’s constant apologizing and worrying. “If you say so! I miss my Papi” he carries on. “Ew gross, gross, gross man! I mean you and Gabe can be into whatever I just don’t want to hear about it!” Ryan almost shouts. Will cackles madly and skips to the car.  
\-------  
The album is not coming along. They have spent weeks at the cabin, Ryan and Brendon screaming at eachother until they are both blue in the face. Ryan has some words, but nothing fits, nothing makes any kind of sense. And for the first time Brendon’s voice is just wrong. “These songs are sweet!” Ryan screams “Sweet and low Brendon! Put some emotion into it! They're about you for Christ’s sake!”. (after hearing this, Brendon pulls Ryan in for a kiss. Which he enjoys, obviously. Apologies ensue.)   
Even more time goes by and nothing is working out. Ryan comes to dread practise time every day. Until Brendon has a suggestion. “Let’s scrap it.” he says, downing a bowl of cereal. “This record isn’t us, let’s just start over.” They all agree to “start over”  
\-------  
Bill helps him unpack the groceries, and they even jam a little before he heads back. “Those songs actually sound really great, we should record or something, that turned out really well!” William is excited about the songs they wrote, “yeah, definitely.” Ryan says agreeably. “I'm sorry I'm so busy,” Will says “we're going back on tour soon and Mike has us all on some incredibly tight sleep schedule thing” Ryan understands, he knows how tiring touring is. William pulls him in for a tight hug. “Take care of yourself, okay?” he whispers, making very deliberate eye contact. “Yeah, I will, you too Bilvy” he chokes out. Will pulls him in for another hug, and vanishes out the door.   
\-------  
The tour is wonderful, for Brendon. Ryan feels increasingly drained after every interview, every show, every soundcheck that goes by. He finds himself wondering what the point is, why is he even doing this? But then he'll catch sight of Brendon, and maybe steal a kiss if no one is looking. And he remembers. He loves the music, he loves having Brendon on his right, and Spencer behind him. He feels reassured knowing Jon is on stage right, still in his flip flops. Yet he still grows tired. One day he has to tell Brendon. “Hey babe, we uh, we need to talk about something.” “What's wrong, you're not hurt? You're not having second guesses right?” he frets. “No, nothing like that. I just, I need a break.” Ryan tries to continue, but is cut off by Brendon. “What do you mean? I've been nothing but good for you Ryan! I've stood by you, helped you, waited for you for years. What the Hell Ryan?” he’s screaming, he's not just angry, he's absolutely irate. “Brendon I just can't do it! The sold out shows, the interviews, the screaming fans. I can't do it Bren it's too much!” Ryan retaliates. “It's too much for you? You're not the singer, they don't always care about you. It's not “oh Ryan could you sign this, oh Ryan I love you so much, Ryan! Have my babies! No you don't know what it's like Ryan!” “I don't know what it's like? Just because I'm not the frontman doesn't mean people don't care about me!” his voice is hoarse from yelling so much. “Just go, Ryan. Just go.” he stares at Brendon, a little disbelieving. And for good measure, or maybe spite, with just a hint of selfishness. Pulls Brendon in for an angry kiss. He backs away, without breaking eye contact. “C’mon Jon, let's go.” Jon gets up and immediately follows Ryan out the door. “Don't worry, Jonny boy, we'll be back before you know it.” he says quietly.   
“William I'm lost. God, I am so lost.” he declares through the receiver. “I've never been to South Africa, RyRo I don't know how to get around. Call a cab and tell ‘em to take you to the nearest hotel. Do you even have any of your stuff?” he asks. “No I left it with Spence and Brendon. I'm coming back you know. I don't want them getting used to me being gone.” he sees a Taxi coming towards him “Hey Bilvy I'm gonna have to call you back okay?” he hangs up, and clambers into the taxi.   
\------  
He feels worse than he'll admit. But Brendon isn't that mad, he thinks. Until he hears the first voicemail. “Ryan where are you? You can't just walk out like that without an explanation! Just call me back okay babe? I love you”. But he doesn't. The texts and the voicemails pile up, some from William, but mostly from Brendon. He is wasting away in his hotel room when he notices. The note crumpled on the floor. He picks it up and reads the scribbled words. “Brendon says he misses you when he's drunk”. It's the only useful thing Gabe has ever told him.  
Days go by, and Ryan misses Brendon even more. He calls William every day, since he’s on tour now. He talks to Jon even more. He meets a girl who calls herself Z, and they get along pretty well. So well, in fact that he starts spending almost all of his time with her. He digs her band “The Like” and she can roll with “The Young Veins”. It starts small, sharing a cigarette, and gradually progresses to drunken making out on Ryan’s couch. Ryan pulls away first, “Z, you know that I don’t, uh, Z I like. Um I’m not overly fond of-” Z cuts him off, “I know” she says softly, her lipstick smeared all over Ryan’s face. “Listen, Ryan it’s pretty plain to see that you don’t like girls. And it’s not very obvious that you, Ryan Ross, are a fan of The Like.” she continues. Ryan is extremely confused as he attempts to interrupt. She cuts him off again, “I have a proposition for you. We get along great, and it’s obvious that you don’t mind kissing me if needed. So, I’ll be your “girlfriend” and you’ll look straight as a stick. No one will think those words of yours are about Brendon, and you’ll promote my band.We’re still friends, we both look straight, and appealing together, Everyone wins. And if any feeling get involved, well, we’ll sort it out then,” Ryan looks appalled, jaw dropping, staring at Z like she was crazy. “I know it sounds insane, but it will work out, I know it will.” she smiles almost manically. “How long?” Ryan asks, still a little confused. “However long it takes.” she says, almost sadly. And then Ryan understood. “I’ll uh, I’ll think about it.” he mumbles uncertainly. “Don’t lose any sleep,” she replies, “and if you don’t want to, I never said anything.” she kisses him softly one more time before she leaves.  
Long story short, Ryan says yes, although he feels guilty, he knows it’s for the best. Z pretty obviously has a thing for him, and he could use a little “Totally NOT gay” credit after the floral shirts and hats of the past year. The only other person who knows the truth is William. Who gives him a pitying look when he tells him the news and calls him “Hun” for the umpteenth time in the past week. It’s not gross per say, Ryan didn’t exactly enjoy all the physical contact required by having a girlfriend before, but it’s not all that bad. Z is usually busy with “music stuff” as is Ryan, so when they see each other, it’s more of a friends-who-make-out-sometimes-because-one-is-more-emotionally-attached-than-the-other type of deal than a strict boyfriend and girlfriend arrangement.   
\-------  
“Brendon's looking at him again, he's got that look. The "I am so in love with you, you dork" look. "Who could ask for anymore, yes who could have more?" Ryan croons, strumming his acoustic guitar. He knows what it does to Brendon. Who is currently curled up against his side. "We must reinvent love" They are harmonizing, their voices joined together, as if their vocal chords were a little more in love than they were. "We must reinvent love" they are whispering to each other now, gazing into eachother's eyes. No matter how cliche it is Ryan knows that he will remember this for probably the rest of his life. "I love you" he murmurs, no mumbling or stuttering unlike most of the things he says. Brendon isn't surprised, he knew it was coming, and he knew very much how he loved Ryan as well. Yet he can't seem to get any words out. Ryan is near panic, jumping to the worst conclusion. "Yeah you too, Ry. I love you too." they are smiling, lost in each other's gaze. They are kissing, lost in each other's taste.   
They are reinventing love.  
\----  
Ryan hates remembering. He hates the way the memories burn in his mind. Even with Z around, even with Bill and Gabe and Jon checking on him, and being the best friends possible. He misses Brendon. With every fiber of his being, with every breath he takes. And he knows that it's over, that he'll never see Brendon again, even if he does it will never be the same. He'll never hold his hand, never sing his words together. Never, never, never again.   
So days go by, and the days turn to weeks and months. Him and Jon make the album. William and Gabe break up. And he meets someone new. Someone who makes it seem like maybe it won't end badly.  
He could be wrong. He could be right. Months turn to years and the band ends. Years turn to decades, and he runs into Brendon a couple times. And the years and the decades go by and he falls in love again.   
Ryan is sitting in a rocking chair next to the man of his dreams. He no longer thinks about the boy with the chocolate eyes. Who sang his songs, and held his hand. He doesn't think about the words or the end or any of it. Ryan holds the man's hand and he is happy.  
THE END

**Author's Note:**

> AHHHH!!!!! you made it to the end!!! Good job!!! Comments and feedback are appreciated thank you so much for reading this.


End file.
